Cricket Diplomacy

Barack Obama wants to bomb Pakistan.*

Upon hearing this, I admit, I was a little taken aback: Bomb Pakistan?! One of the most crucial allies in America’s war?! The country with the strongest army in the Muslim world?! Because some of its citizens are sympathetic to the other side?! Surely that’s absurd! That would be like bombing West Germany at the height of the Cold War!

For a moment, my loyalty to the phenomenon that is Obama wavered. Could he, Barack Obama, the future of the Democratic Party, really be so politically naïve as to openly suggest bombing a nuclear power? It would be one thing if the flip-flopping Democrats of old made such an absurd statement in a vain attempt to attract a few votes, but certainly Obama, the new hope for the American left, does not need to resort to such measures.

My mind blasphemed: Obama is no better than all the other Democrats who would say anything to try and woo those whose loyalties are already sealed for the other side because of their hatred for all darkies, Muslims and/or queers?

Soon, however, I got to thinking: there is great wisdom in Obama; there has to be a reason. After all, he is not your average trigger-happy American politician, being the only leading candidate openly willing to engage Iran, North Korea and Cuba in dialogue. He has repeatedly stated his desire to strengthen ties with traditional American allies, and reach across cultural barriers to engage those who have been left feeling estranged by the insensitive Bush administration.** Why attack Pakistan, “the most allied ally in Asia”?***

Then, it hit me: Obama, in his universal cross-cultural wisdom, has deciphered that most treasured of Pakistani cultural secrets, the mass murder of innocent civilians.

Killing civilians is a long-established and well-respected tradition in Pakistan. The sole domain of the very rich and powerful in the past, mass murder has become, with technology, and the grace of Allah, a truly national pastime. Today, even an illiterate, desperate, hopeless young man can kill hundreds on a good day. In the 70s, the country’s first popularly elected Prime Minister bombed the country’s largest province. In the 80s, America’s favourite dictator imported millions of AK-47s to meet our growing national demand for civilian-killing, along with the refugee-assassins and the drugs to facilitate it. Today, the Punjabis kill the Baluchis; the Baluchis kill the Pathans; the Pathans kill the Muhajirs; the Muhajirs kill the Sindhis; and the Sindhis kill their daughters. The Shias kill the Sunnis, the Sunnis kill the Shias, and everyone kills the Ahmadis. Only the Bengalis, unable to meet the minimum citizenship requirement of mindless violence, failed to join in the fun, and look what we did to them. I bet Mush wakes up every morning half-wanting to carpet-bomb Islamabad, infested with all those liberal extremists, religious fanatics, and activist judges challenging his moderately enlightened wisdom and what not. Unfortunately, in this day and age of media-induced scandals, he has to resort to covert kidnappings and targeted murder by the secret services. Let’s face it: more so than cricket, our national pastime is killing other Pakistanis, the more innocent the better.

So, Obama’s stated desire to bring the war to Pakistan should be seen as nothing more than a demonstration of deep respect for our culture. Violence really is the Pakistani equivalent of extending an olive branch. Some people say hi and some say aloha; we kill each other. Obama is merely trying to reach across cultural barriers and communicate with us. Forget the “cricket diplomacy” of the 20th century; we now have “bombing diplomacy”. With BO at the helm, the world will soon be fragrant with peace.

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O, Obama! Forgive me for having doubted your wisdom. Bomb away all you wish! And, while you’re at it, please send a few over to London as well: a lot of Pakis here feel really unloved in the West.

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*http://my.barackobama.com/page/community/post_group/ObamaHQ/CpHR

** To that point, please check this out. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/6964564.stm
This government can’t seem to get anything right in the world nowadays.

*** Term coined in the 60s when Pakistan was a member of SEATO and CENTO, and re-used when Pres. Bush designated Pakistan a Major non-NATO Ally